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Turning a hitter into a hugger
"My two-year-old hits me when he's frustrated. This usually
happens when he is overtired or overstimulated. After he hits
me, he watches for my response. I've tried timeouts, reprimanding
him and ignoring him, nothing works. Can you help?" Any Mother
This is normal, yet annoying, toddler behavior so try not
to take it personally. Toddlers often hit their parents and
caregivers. Children who can't yet communicate verbally often
hit, scream and throw temper tantrums when frustrated. Naturally,
ever-patient mum is their most convenient target. Once your
toddler develops the ability and the maturity to express his
frustration in words rather than bruises, this obnoxious physical
behavior should subside.
In the meantime, it's important to teach your toddler what
you consider normal, acceptable behavior and what is not
and certainly hitting anyone, parents included, is not acceptable
behavior. Children are consequence motivated. Simple, repetitive
and consistent demonstrations of the positive and negative
reactions to his positive and negative behavior should help
your son separate acceptable behavior from that which is unacceptable.
If he hits you, respond in a way that makes him unhappy,
such as walking away or putting him in timeout. Follow your
stern reprimand of what he can't do with what he can do: "We
don't hit, we hug." Of course it's preferable, and more fun,
to reinforce good behavior than to discourage bad. Minimize
the bad behavior by identifying your son's temper triggers
and heading them off. Do the outbursts occur when he's tired,
bored, hungry or frustrated? Do as much as you can to stop
the tantrums before they start. Bring snacks with you when
you go out for extended periods of time. Try to plan your
shopping trips for times of day when your son is well-rested.
This is all part of creating a structured environment for
your son, an environment that fosters good behavior rather
than bad.
Encourage him to express his feelings verbally: "Use your
words. Tell Mummy what you need." Also, give him alternate
physical-release mechanisms, such as: "Give me five!" Toddlers,
especially boys, are physical creatures and need physical
outlets for their tension and enthusiasm. This is hard work
and will take a lot of discipline, consistency and watchfulness
on your part. But you can look forward to the accelerated
development of your son's verbal ability, which typically
takes place between the ages of two and three. Once he can
complain to you in words, he'll be better able to put his
pugilistic tendencies aside.
The bite stops here
Many child development specialists say that biting is a normal
way for very young children to explore their world. When they
get their first teeth at about six months, for example, many
babies will nip their mother during breastfeeding. They may
start biting someone else at about one year or so. Children
stick everything in their mouth, and they don't always understand
that it hurts the other person.
Beginning at the age of one, biting has more to do with communication
than with exploration. Toddlers often use biting as a way
of getting their point across. They get angry or want a toy
that another child has, but they aren't capable of telling
the other kid how they feel. Lacking words, they may resort
to biting. And it's often successful. They get a rise out
of the other kid, as well as their parent or daycare provider,
and that just reinforces the idea that biting really works.
Most children stop biting by the age of three, when they
are better able to put their feelings of frustration, anger,
or jealousy into words. When a child hasn't stopped biting
by that age, there may be tensions and pressures in his life
that he just can't cope with. A child who lives in a home
where there's a lot of emphasis on discipline, with spanking
and slapping, can end up becoming pretty angry. For some
of these kids, biting is a nervous habit, like biting nails.
Some experts say they're seeing an increase in biting among
toddlers and preschoolers. David Elkind, a Tufts University
professor of child study and the author of The Hurried Child,
is convinced that biting is more of a problem now than it
was several years ago. "Kids are under steadily increasing
amounts of stress," he says. "They're spending more time in
childcare, and a lot of them aren't getting enough attention
or supervision. They take out their anger and frustration
on other children."
Richard Elardo, who has studied biting in daycare centers,
recently found that about half of all kids who attend these
centers get bitten. Not surprisingly, the worst month for
biting is February, when kids are beginning the school year,
and the prime biting time is between 10:00 a.m. and noon,
when children are hungry and running out of steam. Boredom
can also provoke biters, he says. "If the daycare center doesn't
have enough play materials, kids end up fighting over what's
there."
So what can parents do to get their child to stop biting?
First, forget the folk remedies. Biting a child back, wiping
lemon juice on her lips, or force-feeding her a few drops
of Tabasco sauce are solutions that are as primitive as biting
itself. "Biting a child back is too complex for little children
to understand," says Yale University child development specialist
Dr. Linda Mayes. "You're asking him to follow a line of reasoning
that goes, 'Here's what something I did to someone else feels
like when my parent does it to me, so I shouldn't do it anymore.'
That's very high-level thinking." And at the same time, it
shows that the parent believes in the power of aggressive
behavior instead of words. "You want to make it clear to the
child that hurting others isn't something you should do,"
says Kennell.
A better tactic is to catch the biter as soon as he strikes
and give him the clear message that biting won't be tolerated.
Tell him biting is something babies do, not big kids. That
if he's angry with someone, he's got to use words to express
it. Give him other alternatives, like jumping up and down
or saying 'I'm angry!' but make sure you physically prevent
him from biting. While it's important to make it clear that
biting is unacceptable, parents shouldn't overreact. Attention
of any kind can be a reward, says psychologist Solomons, so
lectures should be kept brief. After explaining that biting
isn't allowed, immediately turn your attention to the child
who's been bitten. Later, praise the biter when she resists
the urge to use her teeth, and reward her for sharing or for
using words to explain her feelings.
Because biting can be such an effective means of communicating
for some toddlers, they seldom bite just once. Consistency
is often the best strategy in these cases. One and two year-olds
may have a limited ability to understand the impact of their
actions, but they are capable of understanding that biting
is not allowed. The exact words don't matter, so long as children
get the message that biting is an unacceptable way to express
their anger.
Parents can't avoid all situations in which kids bite, but
they can make sure their child is in an environment where
he's less inclined to bite and less likely to be bitten. Good
supervision is critical. It's better to distract or redirect
kids who are heading for a fight than to shout "No!" after
the fact, he points out. Daycare centers can also minimize
biting by providing plenty of toys and a variety of activities.
Still, there are some kids who will continue to bite no matter
how many toys there are. In these cases, advises, parents
may need to seek help from a child psychologist or family
therapist to learn better ways of managing their child and
to find the underlying cause of their child's biting. Biting
may not be dangerous physically, but it affects children psychologically.
Of course, not every biting problem is solved easily, but
even the most persistent biter eventually gets the message
that biting isn't acceptable.
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